Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Could the Space Alien be our Next FBI Director?

The Space Alien Dressed
for Success

Your Editor noticed the Space Alien rushing from the insanely busy newsroom of the Space Alien Gazette.

"Where are you going in such a hurry" she asked, "and what's with that fedora?"

"I'm submitting my name for an important government position," answered the Space Alien, "so I'm dressing for success."

"What kind of position?" asked your editor.

"Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation" answered the Space Alien.

"FBI Director!" cried your editor.  "You have NO qualifications for such a job!  How can you even THINK of such a thing?"

The Space Alien Displays a Badge
"I do so have qualifications!" snapped the Space Alien, peevishly. "Look, I already have an FBI badge!"

Your editor examined the shiny bit of brass the Space Alien proffered.  "That's not a real FBI badge" she said.

"Well, not exactly," said the Space Alien, "but when they see how proudly I wear it I'm sure they'll give me a real one!"

"And I even have an official photo ID!"  continued the Space Alien, handing your editor a card.

The Space Alien's Official ID
Your editor examined it carefully and said "That's not even a real signature on there.  It's typed!"

"Well, you know I never learned to write properly but I used your old Olivetti so it's just the same, isn't it?"

"Not exactly," murmured your editor.

A Prime Suspect in the Missing Cookie Case 
After a moment, your editor resumed her interrogation.

"If you got the job, what would you investigate?"

The Space Alien answered without hesitation:

"I'd investigate the Cookie Monster!"

"The Cookie Monster?"

"Yes!  The Cookie Monster steals cookies and I'm sure he carries them across state lines!  This must be investigated!"

"But the Cookie Monster is IMAGINARY!" exclaimed your editor.

"Well, if the Cookie Monster is IMAGINARY, who better than me to investigate?  It takes one to know one!"

Your editor saw it would be pointless to argue.
The Space Alien Prepares to Investigate 

"And besides," added the Space Alien, "I'll be a great investigator, with my equipment all ready to go!"

Your editor was impressed with the degree of the Space Alien's preparation, but still had to ask:   "Will you be able to do this all by yourself?"

"Of course not," said the Space Alien.

"Just as soon as I'm sworn in, I'll hire my first deputy.  Here's a picture of my choice for that important position."
The Space Alien's Deputy Choice

With that, the Space Alien took flight, and is now believed to be traveling to Washington, D.C. at tachyonic velocities exceeding the speed of light.

The President, currently traveling abroad, could not be reached for comment, but all of us here in the Editorial Offices of the Space Alien Gazette trust that loyal readers will join us in agreeing that the President would not make a better choice than the Space Alien for Director of the FBI.